life's gonna change if u wanna change!!!

When ever I remember those sweet moments there is always a strange feeling in my mind and I don’t know why did I went like that. Was I wrong? Might be for you I was wrong but that time  I really liked to make u mine and there was no way out. Those happy moments that we shared together and the first time I kissed you at the corridor I can never forget that. The time we spend together at the park with fresh open air talking all about us, is still fresh in my mind and the moon that was shining up in the sky still shines today but the thing is I feel loneliness as the moon that shined the day is still there but we have aparted. I don’t know how you feel now and why don’t you even say hi to me but the sweet memories and the those great moments you gave in my life  is until now the most precious moments in my life. When ever I see our pictures I still feel you are deep inside me some where that might be the reason why I cant forget you at all. I again wanna hold you in my arms and dance like we dance last time and wanna give a warm,gentle kiss and say that I miss you !! just that’s all…….

i feel afraid when ever i think of u ..... life was the same before i met u and its still the same as i am now..... dont know what u think and how hard it is for the things to go on ....... i have still a long way to go on , a path to find and a good way to make ... this all takes a lot of time and i know u can t wait for me ......isnt it???

tell me what shall i do ??? i really dont wanna hurt you and cant lose my way back to my future so i tell u these things but u cant understand it i know

life is not what u see in others they differ from each others and ts how u gonna make .......

i also wanna live a life like one of those succesful persons but what to do i have to do a lot to reach in thier position

any ways what u do is good for you , i want you to be happy forever and want you to find a good future

hope you are gonna be happy and then i wil surely be happy

these  days its so hard to be in touch with u as

u are far away from me not so far but even though!!

 

the life that i am leaving is not also go cool as it seems to you or u feel that i am not with u

thats not true , i know u say i understand you dear... but u do say that to me to just to convince me

life's like this ..... ups and down and lifes matter!!!! isnt it honey ????????

any ways be happy .......

My friend was riding a bike; I was at the back wearing a dirty helmet. I did not know where we were heading for. The only thing I was sure about was it was going to be a heavy dinner free of cost. Bakery Cafe was my choice. But to my surprise he pushed his brakes of the Chinese machine near a big and dirty house at Old Baneshwor.
  
 I just followed him. To obey him was better for me as it was a treat on him for his good results in + 2. We entered the restaurant; a group of damsels was giggling at the reception counter. There was a cheap carpet on the floor. A fast Hindi number was blaring, which made the environment worse. 
 
We took the seat in a private cabin; all cabins were partitioned with thin plywood and velvet curtains. The moment we reserved our seats, a young waitress wearing chiffon outfit came to receive our order and went away. I could clearly see a slow excitement in my friend's face. After a while, she came back this time with 100% artificial and hideous smile. She sat between the two of us in no time. My friend dabbed both her hands and asked like a true paramour, "What will you take sweetheart?" "Beer" she replied without a second thought.  
 
In the meantime, I kept on observing her. Transparent T-shirt, local blue jeans, big earrings and painted dark lips. Every now and then she chuckled showing all her 32 teeth. But to tell you the truth, she was really HOT.
 
 No, I could not believe all these. Though I had read and heard a lot about clandestine cabin restaurants, dance restaurants and massage centers it was hard to believe. Now that I had witnessed and experienced myself still I was hesitant to believe it.  
 
 As she went to attend a new customer, I found the time to ask my friend. He said “Common, just enjoy it” He added " It's better than having a girl friend, going to expensive restaurants, hiring a taxi, going for a date, forget all those stupid things and just visit a cabin restaurant  when in need, save money and time."  
 
 Next time, she came and embraced both of us and gave us an amorous smile. I wonder how inorganically they have to hug and kiss every frog they meet that come to the restaurant. How effortlessly and easily they have to smile every time forgetting their pains, mortification, humiliations and sufferings. Are they really happy? Answer is a big No. But you have to survive at first.  
 
 The evening was getting darker. My friend was ordering more and more. She was sitting between the two of us. I dared to ask what circumstances drove her to come here. At the outset she made fun of my query saying, “ To meet cool guys like you”. As I clung on over the same thing she became a little serious. As expected that was not her wish at all.  
 
 She was not comfortable with my questions but I did not leave her. Gradually, she narrated the whole shebang. She was an I. Com. student of Sarswati Campus, originally from Ramechhap district. “How do you cope up with society?” I put forth the next question. It’s a male dominated society so we should be cautious and watchful every moment. It was amazing to hear all these. She could answer so brilliantly; I had not even imagined.  
 
 She further added she lived at Maharajgunj, worked at Baneshwor so that people could not recognize her. “ JE GARE PANI JINDAGI MA BACHNU TA PARYO” She said, “ But once you fall into this métier it is really hard to get out of this hell”. Her honesty was really praiseworthy.  
 
 The environment had changed then. We asked her to behave like a good friend. On our request she shared some plaintive and pathetic incidents. When she was sick for one-month, the house owner was about to ask her to leave and there was not even a penny left for her treatment. She covered face and whimpered “ How could have I survived without this work”  
 
 Meanwhile she said “ Different types of men come here to spend money, use us and return back and those very people label us characterless once they are outside”. What is character and who are characterless? The men who deceive and delude their wives and girlfriends and squander money and time or the helpless and dejected girls like her who have nothing to do but survive?  
 
 She also shared her plan, she had applied for a sales girl job in some show room in New Road and was looking forward to hearing from them. It was time to leave, our bill came up to Rs. 900, my friend gave Rs 1000 and asked her to keep the change but she denied. She said it would be a big tip for her if she could not see us again in the cabin. We wonder how quickly a relationship could be created. She was sad when we left; perhaps because after a long time she could share her feelings with some strangers. As we moved out, two muscular guys entered the restaurant and immediately she brought her pleasant smile back. This time I fully understood the pain behind that particular smile.
 
 I wish to bump into her in New Road soon.

I will never forget my summer vacations of 1994. I was just 13 and I fought with my parents to spend that vacation at a relative’s place in Kathmandu. Tall houses and wide roads always fascinated me and after lot of requests, my parents allowed me to be in Kathmandu. Being born and bought up in a small town in mid-western region of Nepal, the capital city always excited me. Had I known what lay ahead, I would have never spent my vacations there.

I enjoyed my one month vacation completely and I was in love with Kathmandu city. I made up my mind to come to this city after my SLC exams. One month passed like a few days and it was already time for me to go back home. I had my return tickets on Sunday and my relatives arranged a small get together for me on Saturday just to show they cared. The get together was a blast but as I was used to going to bed early I started feeling sleepy. My relatives asked me to go to bed and asked me to keep the door open as they might need something from the room. I went to my room turned on the fan, switched off the light and went to bed. In the middle of the night I was abruptly awakened by some movements in my body. To my horror I found myself lying naked in the bed with a man on top of me. He was a person I knew, he was one of my relatives.

I was horrified. I was about to scream when he grabbed my mouth and held my jaw firmly in his grip. I was terrified by his look. He violently put the pillow on my face and brutally raped me. I felt completely numb, I was shocked and I couldn’t think what was happening. Next, I heard him say “Don’t say anything to anybody. If you say, nobody will believe you but I will surely kill you”.

I remained in bed motionless till the morning. I felt so unclean. I wanted to cut out my body parts and throw it away. I started scrapping my body with a knife but nothing helped. I spent hours in the shower trying to cleanse myself of the dirt I got. I was silly… it was not my body that had the dirt, it was my soul. But I was too young to realize that. I cried and felt like ending my life but I didn’t know how. I saw my rapist in the kitchen that morning but he didn’t look at me. Without saying a word to anyone I boarded the plane and left for my home. My Dad came to receive me at the airport and he hugged me. For the first time in my life I didn’t like my dad hugging me. I was insecure. I thought “Can I trust any men to enter into my life?” He looked at me and asked what happened. I managed to smile and said I was just tired. At home I wanted to tell my mom what happened but I couldn’t. I didn’t trust her either. I thought I could never trust anyone from now on. My sense of security had died and my sense of trust was destroyed forever.

I continued to go to school but it affected my performance. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. From being an extraordinary student I turned into just a good student. I was not hysterical, I was not shouting and crying, I was very calm. I still don’t know why I stayed calm but fortunately or unfortunately, that helped people think there was nothing wrong with me. My emotions would burst out only when I was alone. I would break the cups and plates, I would shout and scream, I would throw the clothes around and ask why ? Why me ?

Before my parents came home I would arrange everything back as it was before and stay calm. I spent two years of my life like that. I hated Kathmandu and I decided not to go there after my SLC. I chose another college at a different city and continued my education.

After 4 years I was still not better. I tried to commit suicide many times during those years but something always stopped me. Once I climbed a 5 story building to jump over but I couldn’t. I felt I was not in this world to commit suicide. I had a spark somewhere in me to have my own identity but my wound was far greater than the spark.  I hated men and couldn’t stand their sight and their touch. My friends would call me feminist coz I always spoke against men. I never shook hand with any men and never went near any man for complete 4 years. Finally after 4 years my emotions were coming out. My mind was now reacting to my experience. I would scream and shout for silly reasons. I couldn’t stand boys who would tease or pass comments on a girl. Many instances I had slapped such boys which annoyed my friends. I started loosing my friends. One moment I smiled… the other times I cried. I needed someone to say that this emotional pain was killing me. I was dying every moment. I wanted an end for this pain.

Sep 1998, I decided to come back to Kathmandu. I thought my pain would end from where it started. I stayed in the same room were I was raped. I stayed there for a month and not even a single day I slept peacefully. I would lie everyday with a small knife under my pillow watching the door thinking someone would come. Then I realized that was not an answer to my problems and I shifted to a hostel. I started my college but I had no friends. I was always paranoid about people. My insecurities followed me everywhere.

It was then I met Sumit. He was my senior in college and had a bad reputation among girls. As a piece of advice from our senior girls we were asked to stay away from Sumit. But destiny had its own plans. He had his library seat just next to mine and he would try to talk to me often. One day he bought a rose and asked if I would be his girlfriend? I shouted at him and threw the rose in the dustbin. He smiled. Next day he asked me if I could be his friend I ignored him. But he kept trying. I think Sumit had sensed that I had some problem and he was trying to help me in his own way. Gradually I started talking to him but I never trusted him. I could never trust anyone. Every time he tried to shake hands with me and I moved back. Then one day he asked me to take help from a psychiatrist for whatever I was going through. The first time he said that I almost slapped him but he kept saying and finally I decided to meet a psychiatrist. I knew I needed it to get better. I decided ‘I won’t let this ruin my life”

It almost took me more than a year of medicines and personal sessions to feel better. Sumit would accompany me every week to the hospital and drop me back to the hostel. He didn’t know what I was going through and he never asked me. He respected me for what I was and gave me my space.

Gradually my fear, anger and pain seemed to decrease. I started shaking hands with Sumit. It took some time but I was happy to be back again. I met few more persons who went through the same trauma and realized I was not the only one. Slowly I felt that those bitter memories haunt me no longer. I visited the room where I was raped and I slept peacefully. I was back on my track again. During my last session with the psychiatrist he said “You are completely normal. You were just traumatized and you are now perfectly fine”. As I came out of the room smiling Sumit hugged me and I felt good. After many years I was so close to a man and I felt, it was just right.

Now, I am a 25 year old professional woman in the USA. I have achieved my goals and I still aim high. I shake hands with men and I don’t feel anything. I hug and kiss my dad and find him to be the best man of this world. My rapist lost his wife in an accident and he thinks that’s his punishment. I have forgiven him for whatever he has done and am helping him raise his daughter. She is a cute 3 year old who is a very important part of my life now. I have promised him that she will never know what her father did to me. He can never look at me in my eyes and I think that’s his punishment. Sumit is still by my side as he has always been and we plan to settle down soon. The house I was raped has been demolished by the government as it was constructed on government’s land. In its place now stands a beautiful monument which I personally call Celebration of life.

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